Early this morning I just wrote. I needed to process. When I started writing I wasn't even sure anyone would ever read the words but me.
The next post I had ready to go was more about building our marriages...about the importance of date nights. In light of circumstances this week and things that have happened even over the last couple of days...I just can't post that. Not now. Not today.
It's still good and I still believe it, and it's still coming. It's just not for now.
Right now I'm mad.
Mad. Disappointed. Hurt. Grieving. Burdened. Sorrowful. Overwhelmed. Shocked. Upset. Angry. Sad. Furious. Confused.
I'm sitting here thinking about the many amazing young gymnasts who lived through hell...feeling trapped and isolated. I'm thinking about the fear and shame these young girls have carried. They were living their dream and then found themselves in the middle of a nightmare.
I'm thinking about the students who just lost their lives at the school shooting in Florida. I'm thinking about the Moms and Dads who sent their kiddos off to school that day with a kiss and never imagined they wouldn't be kissing them good night later that day.
I'm thinking about the precious families in our own church who just lost husbands and fathers in the last two days. It's close to home and it hurts...bad.
These situations have been on replay...running through my mind.
The questions start to flood.
Why? Over and over again...Why?
I'm asking questions, and I know the victims affected, the parents who lost children, and the families around us have to be asking questions too.
It's hard not to. It's hard not to look up and scream, "If You are really good, then why did this happen?!" It's hard not to ask "why" a million times over. It's hard not to wonder, "WHERE WERE YOU?!"
We look around and think, "It wasn't supposed to be like this." One second life is whole and the next moment broken pieces are shattered on the ground.
Last night and again this morning...all I can do is will myself to say, "You are good and I trust You." The end. My mind starts to doubt and wander...
Every time I want to shout, "WHY?"...instead I fight to whisper, "You are good and I trust You."
There are things we can't understand and no amount of "why" will make it make sense.
At the end of 2016 when we were in the hospital with my Dad, and we weren't sure he would be coming back home with us, I remember sitting in the CCU waiting room thinking, "What am I going to do?"
I knew I had a choice. I was angry at God...mad and hurt that we were in this situation.
I was going to run, the question was...where.
For those few moments I thought about running away...in my fear, anger, and disappointment I wanted to turn and run away.
Immediately, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe" came to mind...like a lifeline thrown at me when I was in the middle of drowning.
I knew right then I could run away or I could run into.
We want to turn and run - somehow escape the reality we find ourselves in.
That night in the hospital room my "running into" didn't look like someone running to the love of their life. It wasn't a carefree run. I didn't happily and joyfully run into His arms. I didn't run into Him and let Him wrap His arms around me.
No. It was angry and it was frustrated...it was a desperate run...it was a fighting run.
It looked more like when a parent is trying to hold a child who is throwing a fit. That's what my run looked like that night.
I don't like this, I don't want this, I don't understand this, I'm feeling mad and hurt that this is happening...but I have no where else to go...
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe."
I ran into it like a champion fighter trying to take down his opponent...but that tower is strong. He could handle my fight.
I am convinced we serve a God who can handle us - with all our questions and all our emotions.
He can handle our broken.
We don't have to have it together in order for Him to hold us together.
I laid in bed last night thinking about all the people whose faces I've never seen who are going through such pain, and I was thinking about all the people whose faces I know well...who are right here, near and dear to my heart...all these people who are hurting and who feel like running.
My prayer for every person who finds themselves living a nightmare right now...every person who finds themselves broken...not sure how to think or where to go or if they can even put one foot in front of the other....when you find the strength to run, let it be into the Strong Tower that Jesus is.
We might not get an answer to our "why" but we will be held by the Comforter.
We might not understand but we can run into the one who understands.
We might not "feel" safe but running into that strong tower - even kicking and screaming and fighting - is the safest place we can be.
My prayer, for myself, and so many other precious people today is that we would dig deep and will ourselves to run into Jesus.
If we have to make the choice to run into Him a thousand times over today then we make the choice a thousand times over.